the more i know myself, the more i like myself

I'm screwing up everyday, embarrassing myself constantly, and never "doing enough." But I'm finding myself. Everyday it gets easier to love myself. I'ts easier to love the decisions that have created the journey behind me and that will form the steps ahead of me.

I want to listen to angsty pop punk, cry, and sing along too loud. I want to ramble to myself on blog posts that no one reads. I want to dance with strangers and sing karaoke with my friends. I want to remind every person I meet that there's no right way to love, no right way to live. I want to kiss people I'm not supposed to and love harder than the world allows. I want to pick up and drop a new hobby every month. I want to dye my hair every color I can find in a box. I want to be in the sweaty crowds of every music festival I can make it to. I want to laugh at the nights we wish we could forget. I want to hop on a train and see where it takes me. I want to allow myself to be hurt if it means another chance at friendship. I want to have jean vests covered in iron on patches. I want to get haircuts I regret. I want to keep tripping over the Spanish I'm still learning while trying to meet locals. I want to make as many people as I can feel happy to be alive. I want ironic bumper stickers covering my car. I want to accept the idea that my happiness is more important than others' exceptance. I want to take too many pictures. I want to yell the wrong lyrics in the car with my friends. I want to live like I'll never die and I want to live like I'll die tomorrow. I want to contribute to the absolute insanity of our existence.

I want to be so radically alive, so radically here, that other people want to challenge themselves, challenge their society, challenge their rules.

Half of this life hurts so much--just to exist in this world is a burden impossible to explain. But the other half? The other half of me can't believe I've had the privilege to experience this world at all. I've seen sunsets I couldnt never begin to paint, cried when someone finally hugged me on a bad day, fallen in love with a few souls. I've been hurt, I've hurt others, I've hurt myself. I've taken a hundred selfies in a day and stayed in bed for 24 hours straight. I've binged watched telenovelas and gotten on roller coasters I was terrified of. I've shaken hands with people I'll never see again. I've interviewed for scholarships I'll never recieve and been given scholarships I didn't deserve. I've tried and tried and tried and had days where I didn't do a thing. I've cried from frustration and I've cried from happiness. I've gone skinny dipping in the ocean and kissed my friends. I've loved people more than they loved me and failed to reciprocate the love of others.

I've made this life my own. It's mine, it's mine, it's mine and my God do I love it.