note to self: hating yourself for the past won't change it

"the feeling you thought you'd forgotten"

One of the number one qualities about myself that I dislike is the fact that I vocalize everything. I never quite got the hang of the whole "think before you speak" adage. Not that I'm not constantly thinking--trust me, my brain is running at a hundred miles an hour. These two aspects of my personality can be pretty disastrous at times. There's not a distinct instance I'm thinking about, but instead the general feeling of embarrassment that I know hovers over my past. If I think about it for any period of time, those knee-jerk reactions float back to the surface of my mind and I physically flinch. "Why did you say that? Why did you do that? God I'm so stupid, this is why I don't have any friends."

How much of my time have I spent in my own head, shaming myself for the past? And how much good did it do? Looking at my past self, the girl struggling with self harm and eating disorders, my current struggle with self hate seems comparable. I mean, the physical outlets were an embodiment of the shame and hatred I felt internally. So how can I truly believe I'm on the road of recovery if I'm still inhibiting my own growth by refusing to acknolwedge that I can't be perfect?

With all of these thoughts bouncing around in my head, I've begun to wonder, what's a healthy way to forgive myself? What's a healthy way to move on from the past without dismissing the mistakes that I don't ever want to repeat? I want to remember those instances for what they are--lessons to be learned, not reasons to hate myself.

There's a difference between a motivating and a demotivating stress, and I believe that's the key to dealing with guilt, shame, and embarrassment appropriately. If obsessing over a situation won't reap any benefits, why am I doing it? And how can I train myself to stop?

Well, as I delve deeper into this search for answers, psychcentral offers this advice for overcoming ruminating:
1) "Identify the thought or fear."
Name it, own it, overcome it.
2) "Think about the worst-case scenario."
You can handle it.
3) "Let go of what you can’t control." 
If you can change it, still look at it realistically. Create small goals.
4) "Look at mistakes as learning opportunities."
“The quickest way to find success is to fail over and over again.” -David Burns
5) "Schedule a worry break."
Take this time to create goals and organize your thoughts.
6) "Mindfulness."
Instead of stressing about the past, focus on what you can do in the here and now.
7) "Exercise"
Exercise is a form of self love AND it releases endorphins--win/win!
8) If this isn't working, "try therapy."
If your obsessive thinking is lessening your quality of life, seek help from others.
(http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/02/16/8-tips-to-help-stop-ruminating/)

I don't have the answers, and I don't know how to love myself or others perfectly. I think what I've realized is that I never want to become complacent. I never want to stop questioning and I think that's why I won't lay my past to rest. But after a certain point, there's no more analyzation to be had, no more hidden meanings to be deciphered. At some point, I just have to forgive myself and let it go. Because I'm worth my own forgiveness.